We are on the verge of physical technology creating an upheaval of never before seen equality or inequality depending on how things end up being utilized. Yet, with trust, we are not much far off from the caveman.

Seeing Red

Imagine being born into a world where you, and only you can see the color red. As a child, you are seen as having a vivid imagination. As you progress into adolescence, it starts to become a part of your identity – for better or worse. Maybe it’s something that makes you feel cool and different. Your friends think you’re special or ‘edgy.’ Or, maybe you are ashamed of it. Something is wrong with you. You try getting help from a doctor or clergy.

“It’s just a purple-ish gray color,” people say. You know what you are seeing is different from everyone else, but it seems like such a trivial part of life that you just press on trying to ignore it. With each minor argument about color, you begin to train yourself to simply stop talking about it. You avoid employment in creative or scientific fields that may put too much emphasis on the subject of color.

Moving through life, it continues to itch at you. You start becoming cynical and bitter. Why can’t people just believe you? Eventually, maybe you go through a rigorous process of measuring light. You find your own way to prove that red exists; however, you do not have a degree. You do not have connections in the scientific community. You do not have anything other than your word and your work. The work should be enough.

Still, no one believes you. Maybe you can’t show your work to the people with the expertise to know you’re right. Maybe they feel threatened by the fact that a lamen discovered a new color even though they made it their life’s work. Maybe you lack the social skills and they simply don’t like you, so they say you’re wrong.

Submitting to Powerlessness

Eventually, you give up. Maybe you make a few inventions that leverage your ability to see red when others cannot. Maybe you move on with life, forgetting this part of you. Maybe you become socially withdrawn and generally hostile toward authority and institutions.

…Or Not

Maybe you keep pressing on with your Red cause. Maybe you’re lucky enough that there were people before you that also saw red. Maybe they also went through the same struggles as you. Maybe their collective effort brought the concept of Red into the Overton window. Maybe you’ll be hailed as the genius who proved what many before you could not.

If you look at many innovations in our world that is adopted by the masses, a story like this can be found and repeated over and over. Giordano Bruno was burned at the stake for his claims of the now widely accepted infinite universe and supporting Copernicus’s heliocentric model. We now know the Copernican model to be wrong, but not completely wrong. Just as the universe may not truly be infinite.

Just as you know Red exists, you may not be able to communicate that there is many different types of red. Perhaps you identified an orange-y red of some kid as the ultimate red. You weren’t completely right, but you did the best with the tools and words you have available to you in your time.

Trust and Blockchain

Bitcoin/blockchain and the solving of the Two General’s Problem will likely eventually be seen as slightly incorrect as a system of trust. Even so, it is the first most profound solution for our society’s trust problems. I had a friend who lived in the midst of some of the most important innovations at a breakneck pace. Mass adoption of electricity, nuclear fusion, the internet, the list goes on. He remarked to me how AI is one of the few innovations of late to be truly world-changing. He did not include blockchain in this list of recent innovation.

I don’t blame him. Blockchain is boring. It’s rife with scams. Ironically, the system has been built as a system of trust yet overrun with untrustworthy people. Our sun may be the center of the solar system, but it is not the center of our universe. Blockchain appears to me as the equivalent of the invention of steel. Steel can make a great sword. Eventually, steel can be used for so many technologies. Used for architecture, machinery, tools, and so much more.

Is blockchain the center of trust? I doubt it. The Copernican model isn’t correct, but it was a start. Blockchain may not be correct, but it’s a start.

Innovating Trust Is Our Greatest Imperative for the Future

It seems likely that within our century, artificial intelligence may reach a singularity event. I wonder what that may look like if humans still cannot trust each other? What will we do when we yet again shut down someone who is seeing red? What if that red is the future blood spilled from the misuse of AI or other civilization-ending technologies? Many cynical fictions say we are cavemen with nukes. This is because we still do not know how to trust or be truthful.

It’s Not All Doom and Gloom, Though!

The wonderful thing is we can all as individuals be a part of the solution. In the climate crisis, you as an individual can save the world by reducing your waste and emissions. In our trust crisis, you can start being more truthful. Start by facing truths within yourself. We all lie. If you think you do not, you are likely right, but only half-right. If you are truthful to others, that might be correct, but chances are quite high you are still lying to yourself.

When you identify that you are capable of lying to yourself, you will begin to see that you have been lying to others all along. Whether you are a liar or not, start calling out the lies you tell yourself. This will make you surprisingly honest. Life gets easier. Harder in some ways as well, but there is a net gain. I know this because I have done it myself.

We will defend it to the death because ego is all we have left after it strips us. Strips us of our family, money, and basic sense of dignity. Anyone who is not a white man already knows this about their relationship with white supremacist patriarchy. The only difference is they are not entitled to have an ego like us.

Lately, I’ve been contemplating the idea of what I’ve started to call ‘dogmatic literalism.’ As I explore my personal relationship with god, people who are dogmatic in their religious practice unconsciously dismiss me. With dogma and religion, it’s their way or the highway. It is unfathomable to be a servant of god without religion. Not unless I am a servant of god of their religion. Some are not as picky, as long as I am a servant of god of any religion.

Dogmatic Literalism

This idea of dogmatic literalism is simply a generalization of biblical literalism. An example of Biblical literalism is Adam and Eve being real people, the only humans that exist, that Adam actually sacrificed his rib to make Eve, that Eve was seduced by a real talking snake into eating an apple. It’s an interpretation of scripture that fails to apply an interpretation that very clearly requires an understanding and application of metaphor.

Let’s take the most god-lite religion we know about. Twelve step programs. My suggestion of dogmatic literalism is that Al-Anon, a 12-step program – a religion, requires one to go to Al-Anon meetings and to read the Al-Anon book to have any hope of living harmoniously with someone that is in a relationship with an alcoholic, drug abuser, etc. Yet, it is just a religion. Another iteration of teaching someone the core nature of reality. The core nature of reality is like a song. Religions and their teachings are simply remixes of that song. Anyone can hear the original. All they need to do is listen.

When a religious person suggests that my relationship with god is invalid because I didn’t use religion to find it (god), it is not helpful. They think they are being helpful. But, all it does is expose themselves as dogmatic. Dogma prevents one from seeing a road parallel to their’s. I let go of that, but it makes me sad because being dogmatic can have negative health and social consequences. I empathize with the fact that they potentially hinder and harm themselves through dogmatism.

There are many studies about the negative health and social consequences of dogmatism. Here are a couple:

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28435818/
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33214149/

White Supremacist Patriarchy

Dogmatism is one of many forms of indoctrination. Dogmatism is quite powerful because it internalizes indoctrination much deeper than traditional forms of indoctrination. Indoctrination is, of course, a social and cultural toolset to make a person behave a certain way through all sorts of social manipulation. The white supremacist patriarchy is an excellent example of it because it still exists today and has been pervasive for centuries.

In the end, it is all lies. Delusion. A delusion is mostly just a lie that you believe. A fabrication of reality that you have made real for yourself. This can happen as a natural protection mechanism of your brain. In schizophrenic people, that protective mechanism goes haywire.

I have spent almost my entire life sorting through delusion. I did it because it’s a symptom of schizophrenia. But somewhere along the line, I accidentally started dismantling societal delusions inside of myself because I confused them for being psychotic delusions. After over two years of doing this, I’m starting to feel like I’ve become a literal example of Akira Kurosawa’s line from Ran:

• 狂った今の世で気が狂うなら気は確かだ
• English: in a mad world, only the mad are sane

I don’t have any conclusion to this writing. Just sharing my observations in this moment. Thanks for reading.

You are fat, angry, ugly, lonely, and tired (FAULT). You’re like this because evil is in your head and you punish yourself for it. Being evil is not your fault. But, evil is your FAULT.

Within me, forgiving anyone is now possible without restriction, exception, or hesitation. I unlocked this superpower from recognizing the lie.

A Sensory Moral Compass

Seven years ago, something changed in my body. I began to sense a tingle in my scalp when I would do something that my brain considered ‘good’ or ‘evil.’ When I was evil, the left side of my scalp would tingle. When I was good, the right side of my scalp would tingle. I somehow developed a physically sensed moral compass.

I learned that I was generally more ‘evil’ than I was good. How could that be? I was not an arms dealer, rapist, oligarch, addiction peddler. In my mind and the minds of most I knew, I’m an honest, kind, and hardworking person. I was once even described as a ‘gentle soul.’ Yet, my brain told me I was evil.

In the following years, I sought to understand why I was supposedly evil. To put it simply, most young white men in my position are at the whims of nurture over nature. We live, relatively speaking, comfortable lives. This comfort affords us to fully engage with our culture. Our culture tells us every day that there is good and evil in the world. With the pervasive growth of social media, we see it now more than ever.

Yet, good and evil is a lie.

“Of course there is evil, what about…”

I’m sorry, but I need to stop you there. The most heinously ‘evil’ people, in my mind, fall into two categories:

1. People who justify heinous acts with preserving the greater good
2. Sociopaths (or a combination of sociopathy and #1)

Okay, so what about them? I do not see evil here. I see:

1. Someone who truly believed the concept of good and evil and felt so wronged (either personally or on behalf of their group) that they would destroy their soul and place in history to ensure their perception of evil is never carried out again
2. Someone who was so severely traumatized in their formative youth that their brain wiped out any possibility of humanity from their brain permanently

“But, Ian, these people would not exist without people committing acts of evil.”

Perhaps, but, evil is an egg. It can only hatch if you acknowledge in your mind that it deserves life. When you do this, you make yourself susceptible to committing or enabling acts of evil. This leads to more acts of evil carried out by anyone else who does not realize that the idea of good and evil is a lie.

Ethics vs. Morality

Ethics is real and identifies violations of a human beings’ time

The word ethics and the word morality is considered interchangeable. Setting aside the fleeting and useless nature of words, this interoperability is also a lie. Why? Because ethics as it stands now appear to fit parameters centered around respecting each others time. If you do anything that takes time away from someone without their consent, you are acting unethically. How does this work? Think about anytime you are wronged. One way or another, your time was violated:

• If someone stole from you, you lost the time spent earning your stolen item
• If someone physically hurt you, you lost the time it took to heal
  • Immediate-term, to heal the physical damage and to pay for medical treatment
    • With paying for medical treatment, you lose the time related to earning the money spent on that medical treatment
  • Short-term, to heal from the emotional damage
  • Long-term, to deal with the symptoms of your injuries (if applicable, such as a broken knee)
  • Lifelong-term, time lost from reduced lifespan (if applicable)
• If someone emotionally abused you, you lost the time in a deceitful relationship, as well as time needed to heal during and after that relationship or interaction

I think those broad examples cover most ethical violations in one way or another.

Morality is not real, it obfuscates the fact that good and evil is a lie

Morality is the personal practice of measuring what is good and what is evil.

• Marijuana is good
• Homosexuality is evil
• Inserting a vodka soaked tampon in your anus is good
• After reading the line above, you now think the writer of this article is evil
• Killing an ant is evil
• Bacon is good
• Fire is good

According to who? Morality is completely useless as a cultural or societal practice because no one cares about your individual morality. You likely don’t care about anyone else’s morality either. Sure, maybe you’ll care if someone has the same morals as you. That feels good. You may care if someone is an affront to your morals. That feels bad, evil.

Unfortunately, this is all a circus your brain puts on for your amusement as you continue to blind yourself to the fact that good and evil is a lie.

How to identify for yourself that good and evil is a lie

First and foremost, any example or instructions I give will likely not work for you. This article is a hypothesis for you. After reading this, it is up to you to test this hypothesis. You may never find evidence of confirmation, but I suspect you will die a miserable person if that happens. However, I believe you will find evidence if you actively seek it out. If you find understanding in this idea, you may find positive physiological health effects, including improved mental health.

The best way to identify that good and evil is a lie is to seek out confirmation. Make it a daily practice.

When you have a moment of mental silence, you may find yourself picking up your phone. Use this as your prompt. Put your phone back down and think about people in your life, your community, your nation, or online, that are evil. Why are they evil? Put yourself in their shoes as best you can. Right from the beginning when they were a drooling baby. Do this every day, even if you don’t see the lie.

Practice this seeking. For me, it took years. I hope it does not take you as long. It may take longer. Seek it out.

The idea of good and evil is a lie. It is your FAULT. The beauty of something being your fault is that you can take responsibility for it and start the process of healing.

As such, I’ve been curious about the term ‘sex sells’ because it seems antiquated to me. It seemed to be most prevalent in the ’80s and ’90s, but I wouldn’t know how to quantify that claim. Either way, the marketing ethos in my mind is this:

1980-1999: Sex sells
2000-2019: Fear sells
2020-20??: Crazy sells

After reading an article by Alessandra Lichtenfeld, something in my brain clicked. It occurs to me that perhaps my model better applies to content strategy for media and entertainment companies. In all cases, there is a biological response. Sex sells because in the ’80s-’90s it was becoming more socially acceptable. Yet, it was controversial enough that prudes would criticize and therefor advertise for free.

Starting around the 2000s, mainstream journalism began to utilize fear as their content strategy. I can assume it was likely after seeing the enormous gains in viewership after the terrorist attacks of 9/11. Correlating that theory with the uptick in mass shootings at schools, it was a no-brainer to shift the emotional narrative. Fast forward ten years. Alternate news media began to adopt this strategy and optimize it. All they needed to do was simply use false and/or absurd information (such as InfoWars and that ilk).

The mainstream adoption of ‘crazy sells’

A manifestation of that optimizing fear-based content was a new kind of content strategy — crazy. Today, the trend of crazy content continues to become more mainstream and socially accepted. Alex Jones proved the ‘crazy sells’ model with the shocking quantity of viewers and fans he acquired. Donald Trump made the model mainstream in an even more shocking election victory. Now, the rest of the opportunists are catching up with the trend in their everyday content strategy. The most recent example being Andrew Tate with his algorithmically optimized buffoonery.

I am schizophrenic myself, and an entrepreneur with a couple of projects tied to my illness. I am very often tempted with utilizing this content strategy for myself. After all, who better to claim such a thing than someone with the doctor-verified credentials to do so?

Thus far, I refused to do this because heavily intertwined with ‘crazy’ is misinformation. As mentioned in an earlier post, I was constantly solicited to make false claims with my Curious Markings project. Why not? It’s easily on-brand and if I didn’t tell outright lies, what’s the big deal? So I tried it out. But I measured it like a scientist would. I could not and would not move forward. The data doesn’t lie. After seeing the results of my sample pool of about 300 users, it was clear I would just be grifting.

Finally waking up from our fear

Rewinding back to the ‘sex sells’ strategy, I recall it falling out of vogue as it became more fake. Fake boobs, fake lips, fake love. As a western society, it got boring and superficial beyond what it already was to begin with.

Now, we have been blessed with the misinformation tidal wave following Trump’s election and the COVID-19 Pandemic. We’ve all had some decent time to think about all of this during quarantine and came to a bipartisan conclusion. Fear is as out of vogue as sex. We all know that it exists, we all know it is making our society decadent and dysfunctional. We all want it to go away.

But, marketers being hungry as ever for attention, something has to take fear’s place. Crazy is on the fast track to claiming the throne. I say this with as little pessimism as possible, but I believe it is inevitable. The voice of reason will continue to be drowned out. That is unless the reasonable among us can begin formulating ways of utilizing this tactic for truth and justice.

Reclaiming ‘crazy’ to sell truth

So now, I have come full circle. My conclusion as I am formulating my way forward: I am using my crazy in marketing once and for all. Except this time, I don’t need to tell lies or mystic half-truths.

Sex went out of vogue because it lacked truth. Fear went out of vogue because it lacked truth. Crazy is now in vogue, but it lacks truth. To this end, I hypothesize that crazy will go out of vogue in the reverse direction. It will begin when ‘crazy’ people like me can bring it in vogue with truth woven into our message. When our mission is complete, we can all breathe a sigh of relief.

I am better able to document the positive health effects of lifting weights thanks to the medication changes increasing my ability for sensory observation and processing. I don’t know exactly how this improved sensory experience came to be, but I suspect it is a combination of my new medication on top of my rigorous pursuit of spiritual development and prioritizing my health above all else in my life.

Reduced Stress Leading to Physical Benefits

Jaw is popping less frequent

Back when I was taking a different medication, it caused severe jaw clenching that caused permanent damage. From this damage, my jaw began popping at seemingly indiscernible times. Over time, I began to learn the popping became more frequent during periods of high stress. This likely ties into my bad posture from being a technology worker, which causes shoulder problems. These shoulder problems, when most severe can also cause tension in my jaw area. This jaw popping can be a precursor warning that a migraine is coming due to shoulder strain.

Shoulder pain is less all-encompassing

Speaking of shoulder pain, lifting weights, I suspect, put my posture in better alignment. As a result, the cause of my pain is reduced and makes my day-to-day less filled with pain. I am more productive, present, and engaged, which will of course inevitably make myself and everyone around me happier.

Eczema in the face is less severe

I’ve always had issues with eczema, but prior to lifting again, it was getting worse to the point of great concern. As I began lifting more, it became much less severe. In combination with more regular bathing using Head & Shoulders shampoo, my eczema tends only to flare up when I forget to shower for 3-4 days at a time.

Reduced Stress, Increased Confidence Leading to Mental Benefits

The enjoyment of and ability & desire to work has started to come back

Time and time again, I am finding that my ability to exist in this world is intimately tied to the frequency with which I move my body in large busts of energy. Obviously lifting weights is the best way I’ve found to do this. The less I do this, the harder it is for me to be productive and doing the work that I want and need to do.

My enjoyment of work is often hindered by what the work is. The worst work I do is centered around “keeping up” or worse, “catching up.” When it comes to fulfilling work, I absolutely hate living in the present or the past. My fulfillment comes from work focused on the future. When I am stressed and feeling left behind in the world, doing work that ‘catches me up’ is defeating and does not build resilience. If anything, it chips away at it.

Lifting weights builds my resilience against this. As I work through the “keeping/catching up” backlog from this built up resilience, I can get myself back into building the future. As a result, my ability and motivation to work more often and be more productive ends up skyrocketing. This brings me back to myself at my best. Fulfilled and optimistic about the future, regardless of external forces in many cases, or even internal forces in some cases.

My Openness to Spirituality Returned

I find that when my body is healthier and more in tune with itself that it enhances my ability to be one with my environment. When I say ‘environment’ it is an all-encompassing definition of many environments. My social environment, my physical environment, my mental environment, even the environment that is my corpse (in the archaic definition). From this, I am able to better sense all things that I perceive to be ‘god.’

More confidence/success with coding

Like many jobs, especially engineering and creative ones, is the resilience to solve unexpected problems as they come up. For me, I had a huge gap in time where I wasn’t coding because of my shift into a more managerial role when I was scaling (now scaled back) my web agency.

As I was getting back into coding before I began lifting again, I was crushed under the weight of the lack of resilience I had. Even doing a simple environment setup was a harrowing experience. It took over 4 months to simply update my compliance with the Google Play and Apple App stores. After returning to lifting regularly, all of these things now seem trivial once again.

General Physical Benefits

Finger and wrist joints feel stronger & less sore

One thing I began to notice as I stopped lifting as much was how weak my grip strength was. I think this may be true for many men, but I find we tend to have a strong tie from our masculinity to our grip strength. There are many cultural associations, such as having a ‘firm handshake’ or comments about ‘strong hands.’ As a result, a weaker grip strength has a lot of subtle questions and self-talk about ones confidence and place in the world as a man.

On top of all that, I’ve had prior injuries. One from snowboarding and another from repetitive strain working in retail and subsequently in technology. After lifting once again, my hands and wrists feel much stronger. The typical strain and pain have gone away, and again, overall quality of life has improved in so many subtle ways because of this.

Finger tips have moisture again

This one might sound a bit weird, but any retail employee will likely have noted this observation. Trying to flip pages in a chequebook or split open a grocery bag from its boxed state can be a real pain if you have dry fingers. My entire retail career, I was blessed to have fingers that seemed to have enough moisture (without being a sweaty-palmed weirdo) that it was never a problem for me. For my colleagues, though, they had to rely on a wet sponge at the register.

As I reached my 30s and was lifting far less as I prioritized work and career at the cost of my health, I began to have the same problem. As I began lifting again, the moisture in my fingers returned. For some reason, even just being able to change the kitchen trash bin makes life so much easier for me. I’m laughing right now at how silly it sounds, but there you have it.

One of my first blog posts (and to this day, still my most popular), is about how I began weightlifting on a ketogenic(esque) diet. It loosely talked about the beneficial side effects it had on general mental health as well. I was headed in the right direction, but I was still taking medications that worked against this.

Hold on, Ian, what the fuck is a soyboy

I don’t exactly know, honestly. It’s one of those words I hear/see from all these kids when I play Minecraft (complete tangent + shameless self-promo: sign up to Enderbook!). It’s a meme, I guess. All I know is that eating a ton of soy can increase estrogen levels. When the body has too much estrogen, it burns up testosterone to create homeostasis. This is, of course, a gross oversimplification. But it’s all I’ve got for you in the science department. I’m just sharing what is happening with my body.

My point is, much like vegan men who overcompensate their protein intake with soy, I unknowingly made my estrogen levels unacceptably high. In this post, I am going to observe which medications did this. I will also detail how increased estrogen and the medications caused uncomfortable, embarrassing side effects.

I will also detail why, when taking all of this into account, I believe these medications are not good for you. But, at the end of the day, I think it’s better to be a soyboy than a lunatic. So, there’s also that. Pragmatism is a good thing, especially in the early stages of navigating schizophrenia.

Lithium didn’t work for me

The lithium was not an appropriate prescription for my illness. I was pressured into taking it by a psychiatrist I stopped going to after an ER visit related to intense suicide ideation. Looking back, that ~30 days probably would have been suitable grounds for a malpractice lawsuit. Said lawsuit probably would have done more damage than any of these meds could have. Courts benefit lawyers, not mistreated schizophrenic people.

Palidperidone didn’t work for me

I will not be talking about paliperidone much either. Taking it for 30-60 days led to discontinuation after I was suffering from jaw clenching. I later learned that jaw clenching in that time caused permanent damage. This damage contributes to my vulnerability to migraine headaches. The cracking sounds it makes also makes my partner uncomfortable when we are cuddling in bed.

Zyprexa/olanzapine didn’t work for me

I took Olanzapine for close to ten cumulative years. It was a ‘good enough’ solution for treating the psychotic symptoms that I suffered from. Mental health stigma seems to have hindered the pace at which we should have learned that it didn’t work for me. In recent years, I have come to learn that I lie to myself. I do this as a coping mechanism. It helps me hide truths about myself that allow me to blend into society easier.

The reason I bring this up is that until temporarily switching to lithium, I did not realize that I had suicide ideation the entire time I was on olanzapine. Weirdly enough, taking lithium made me realize what a lousy job olanzapine did. Another big problem I encountered with olanzapine was that I could not wake up without an alarm. Even with an alarm, waking up was agonizing because of how tired I was. If I didn’t set my alarm, it would make me sleep for 18 to 24 hours at a time.

I was literally missing out on life because of how much I slept or was unable to participate in it due to drowsiness. I love metal/goth/cyberpunk music. But, I always had a particular distaste for its stigmatizing anti-pharmaceutical stance it had on drugs for mental illness. In retrospect, however, I’m beginning to think they were right. As Otep says in Noose and Nail:

The remedy is worse than the disease

Side note: Sleeping for excessive periods of time led to self-induced insomnia as an attempt at compensating for lost time. I still struggle with self-induced insomnia to this day.

January 27, 2023 Update:

It should be noted that I no longer struggle with insomnia a few months after switching my ‘medication’ to CBD cannabis oil (more details at the end of the post). Regarding sedation and insomnia (or as I call it, relentless waking), here are some management posts I wrote:

Risperidone didn’t work for me

I suspect many medications had an adverse effect on my hormonal system. But, risperidone had the privilege of being the medication that was taken when I became more aware of my body. Right before I stopped taking it, I struggled with numerous issues:

• Completely uncontrollable insomnia requiring infrared light therapy intervention that only reduced its impact, but never removed
• Aside from insomnia, all of the following side effects lead back to having unacceptably high estrogen levels:
  • Weightlifting religiously (2 to 4 times per week) with a weight goal of 185 lbs was never attained, I struggled to build enough muscle to remain above 180 lbs
    • Side note: After getting back into weightlifting with no change in diet 9 months after my current treatment, I am now 196 lbs from weightlifting 1 to 2 times per week.
  • An unexplained skin issue on my thumb where every 2 weeks, the entirety of my thumb’s skin would shed like a snake
  • Cysts on my epididymis, breasts, and liver that are taking years to go away
  • Highly invasive anxiety, paranoia, and delusion about said cysts being cancerous tumors
  • Hindered aggression (to the point that my passiveness put me in dangerous situations for being perceived as a pushover)
  • Hindered desire to compete
  • Reduced libido and an encompassing disinterest to be with women intimately (and no, not men either) outside of the fleeting moments my libido would pop up
  • A female-esque development of breast tissue (see the featured image – paired with my grooming and fashion atrocities is an atrocity of the male physique)
    • Just look at dem flabby soyboy tiddies, god damn!
• It should also be noted that all of these side effects went away after switching medications

CBD Oil worked for me.

All of the above symptoms went away over time (outside of the cysts that are just sitting there for god-knows how long). Better yet, my psychotic symptoms seem to be handled way better by CBD oil than any pharmaceuticals I’ve taken before. The science on whether CBD oil helps schizophrenic people or not is pretty shaky.

But, I was sick of what all of these meds were doing to me. I also have a ton of experience and success in managing my mental illness. I decided to take a calculated risk and make myself a human guinea pig. People have been asking me for a while now what I was taking, but I didn’t feel comfortable sharing until after I had a year’s worth of data for myself.

Coincidentally, I wrote this post after seeing my cousin Jack on Instagram. His body is a stack of bricks, and I am in love with his pursuit and maintenance of a muscular, masculine, fit body. I made a vague comment about estrogen and figured he may ask. So I decided to write this post.

Coincidentally enough, yesterday marked the one-year anniversary of finding success with CBD oil as my schizophrenia medication. If you are schizophrenic, I must disclaim that I do not know if CBD oil will work for you. You’ll need to talk to your doctor about that. I am simply sharing my own story of navigating my health.

Good luck, fellow schizo soyboys. lol.

Self-care like a salesperson

A zealous commitment to serving the customer

An often tired cliché of salespeople is that they will try to close the deal at any cost. That may have been true for 80s and 90s salesmen. These days, masterful salespeople care much less about making the sale and much more about serving their future clients. This is because this unwavering commitment to service will lead to increased trust. That trust can lead to sales down the road or to referrals from the person they lost the deal with. In today’s social media economy, reputation is everything, and they will do anything to make themselves look good.

When approaching self-care, we can learn from this by having an unwavering commitment to serving our aspirations and goals. We need to stop thinking about how much of a failure we are, how we didn’t do this or that. What we should instead think about how we can do and say the things that will motivate and inspire us. Toward thinking about how we can serve ourselves rather than what we think other people assume we should be.

Sell based on customer need and budget, not your income goal

As a salesman selling websites for Objektiv Digital, I try to sell my customers on a comprehensive website support package. However, some just want a landing page that will never need to be updated for 2 years or more. I’m not going to try to sell them on the support package. I am instead going to serve their needs right now. This is because I know that when their business starts to grow, they will want and need more. I know that inevitably, they will eventually need that comprehensive maintenance and support package.

Likewise, if you need to lose 40 pounds in order to be below the ‘obese’ threshold – yet struggle to lose even 5 pounds, a bit of pragmatism is needed. As a salesperson, you’re trying to sell yourself on the 40-pound package. However, all you can realistically afford to effectively execute is the 10-pound package. Sell yourself on what is realistic to where you’re at in your weight-loss business. Start with 10 pounds, and expand your goal from there. Otherwise, you may lose out on the business entirely, aka not lose any weight at all.

The presumptive close

One of the best mental tricks a salesperson can play on their own brains is assuming that the deal is already sealed. If you assume your customer has already decided that they are going to buy with you, helping your customer becomes a lot easier. Instead of approaching the deal like you have to convince them to choose you, you are instead focused on helping them get a package or solution that best fits their needs.

We can apply the presumptive close to ourselves and our self-care by presuming that we are already going to do the thing we’re trying to do. For example, going to the gym. If we tell ourselves, our brain, that the decision has already been made that we are going to the gym at 5pm on Tuesday, we remove any other options for ourselves for that time of that day in the week. Sure, life happens and maybe you need to pick up your kid from detention instead.

All the salesperson would do in that situation is simply say, “No worries, now wasn’t a good time. I’ll follow up next week.” This leads us to our next sales tactic.

Follow up is key

Any half-competent salesperson will tell you that the majority of their sales came from an unceasing commitment to follow-up. In stock market investing, they say time in the market always beats timing in the market. The opposite is true for sales. Timing is everything. That is why follow-up is so critical. Landing the sale can often be as simple as being the last person the buyer heard from. It sounds messed up, but amazingly, it’s true.

You can apply this to your self-care by teaming up with an accountability buddy that will follow up with you to ensure you are taking the actions you need to meet your self-care goals. Whether it be a daily, weekly, bi-weekly, or some other kind of interval. Follow-up is everything when it comes to sales, and for many, it can be everything when it comes to self-care.

Mindset is everything

As much as I cringe at the thought of all the mindless cheer-leading of Tony Robbins seminars, there is an inalienable truth to the message: mindset is everything. If you start acting like a winner, your brain will start forming connections in your brain to perform actions that winners take.

Likewise, if you start saying that you are an athletic, diet-conscious, happy and healthy self-care expert, your brain will start finding ways to manifest yourself as that person. You can get as much or as little as you want with metaphysical stuff. The reality is, “fake it ’til you make it” isn’t just a saying, it’s an objective truth that cannot be denied.

Self-care like a marketer

Removing as many steps as possible

As a digital marketer specializing in web design, it is my job to reduce as much friction as possible. Make things extremely clear and simple to understand and navigate. To remove as many steps as possible in order to get a customer from clicking an ad to clicking that “Buy” button.

You can do this in your own life by figuring out how to remove as many steps as possible from your own self-care routine. For me, I have a big gaping space in my office. One day, I decided to fill that space with a yoga mat. Now, instead of sitting at my desk thinking about how I should be doing exercise, all I have to do is stand up, take of my shoes and pants, and start my yoga routine.

By doing this, I removed the following steps:

1. Thinking about what I should do to exercise — with the yoga mat laid out, the answer is easy: do yoga
2. Finding a yoga studio: my studio is right here, right now
3. Finding and unrolling a yoga mat: it’s already laid out, all I have to do is take off my shoes and pants

In my blog post about lack of motivation, I also talk about reducing the steps needed to get your body moving for weightlifting.

Reward good behavior with something ‘free’ – using pragmatism in self-care

Whenever you visit an eCommerce website, you’ll most often see something like, “Sign up to our newsletter and get 10% off your next order!” They do this so that even if you’re not ready to buy now, they can send you promotional emails to catch you at that fleeting moment when you are ready to buy. You signing up for that newsletter is the good behavior. Getting the 10% discount is your reward.

Personally, I am good at managing my weight. However, in order to reduce my schizophrenia symptoms, I need elevated testosterone levels. I can accomplish this by lifting weights. At the same time, wheat is not good for me, but I love to eat it. So, when after lift weights (good behavior), I decided to have a cheeseburger with a tasty brioche bun, or maybe some waffles with whip cream and maple syrup — a reward for my good behavior.

If you know anything about Tony Robbins or any other motivational gurus/coaches, you’ll know that mindset is everything. At least, when it comes to living a more optimistic and empowered life. I personally scoff at this style of cheerleading and self-back-patting. Conversely, that’s mostly because I possess the toxic masculine trait of refusing to get help. This is something I go into more detail about in my YouTube video about getting disability supports ASAP. But, I digress.

Engaging in cynicism make delusional schizophrenia symptoms difficult to manage

My point is this. In my experience, when you actively engage in a cynical mindset, bad things happen. You end up giving your paranoia and delusions more fuel to disrupt your life. I can be actively cynical about real-world things. As a result, my paranoia and delusions use those cynical thoughts. In turn, they make me paranoid and delusional thinking far more believable. When symptoms are a believable part of your natural thought patterns, you end up tumbling down the rabbit hole.

When I actively limit my cynical thoughts, I find that my paranoid and delusional thinking gets more fantastical. I often have delusions that the 1% of the wealthiest people on the planet are actively seeking to exterminate me. Even though articles like this one from the Cato Institute help me dissuade those feelings, delusions can be fickle to manage.

However, when I become less cynical about what I don’t have and what others do, my symptoms change. Instead, my delusions become more fantastical. I begin to think about zombies and aliens. These are based more on fantasy, rather than the real world. Thankfully, this makes delusions much easier to manage.

Use this powerful tool to reduce cynicism

Turn off the newscast. Permanently. This may be controversial for some. They may say that it’s burying your head in the sand. Without a doubt, it is burying your head in the sand. To that, I say, “Who fucking cares?” Is the world really going to be any worse off if a paranoid schizophrenic isn’t giving themselves a panic attack every time they turn on the television?

This is the sad and disgusting reality of contemporary journalism. News that elevates your heart rate and increases your blood pressure makes them money. Their business model is built entirely around scaring the shit out of you. This is obviously my opinion, so take it with skepticism. However, I think you’ll be hard-pressed to prove me wrong.

My point is, news media wants you to be scared. Being scared makes you stressed. Stress increases your schizophrenia symptoms. This knowledge is schizophrenia 101. One of the first things I ever did to effectively manage my schizophrenia was by turning off the news. It put my mind at peace and finally gave me the patience and presence of mind to begin healing my mind.

News media is inevitable

Once you make your best efforts to avoid the news, there will inevitably be news reports that you cannot escape. Such as the COVID-19 pandemic, or the never-ending scandals coming from the Trump presidency. In my post where I recommend becoming analytical with your symptoms, I give some advice. When it comes to the news that you can’t avoid, think selfishly. Say you live in the Americas and you hear about the USA and Russia are having a proxy war in Syria. Even if you’re a United States citizen, it really is not your problem.

Of course, with news like the pandemic, you can still think selfishly. People dying are not your concern — outside of your civic duty to wear a mask in order to protect others. Think selfishly. Protect yourself. Avoid crowds. Wear a mask. Practice good hygiene and sanitize your hands. Sheesh, all this paranoid behavior — it seems like people like us are well-suited to this!

“Ian, that’s all fine and dandy, but in order to get to the gym I need motivation in the first place!”

Oh, believe me, I know. Even though I am kicking ass at managing my mental illness, getting myself to the gym continues to be a struggle. I have found that the best way to defeat my lack of motivation is by doing at-home weightless exercises. Weightless exercises mean you don’t have to go to the gym to lift.

Weightless exercises

There are a ton of great online resources for weightless / bodyweight exercises. I found this one on Weight Watchers that I found was of particularly high quality compared to the other dozens I’ve reviewed. I also made a video on YouTube that goes over my top 4 that I do (releasing Feb. 19th at 9 am PST). With all of these exercises, you can literally get off of your chair right now and get your body moving. I encourage you to do so. In fact, I mean it. Stop reading this right now and do one or two of those exercises!

Did you do it? Of course, you’re probably out of breath and doing it kind of sucked. But, do you feel your head? Does it feel clearer and more alert? For me, it does. I am always blown away by how rocking some push-ups and mountain climbers can make my brain feel. Like it just drank a cold, refreshing glass of minty water. If you like this feeling, chase it. It will give you that small bit of motivation you need to get your body moving. Even talking about it makes me want to get up and move my body.

The key is not to disappoint yourself

Don’t set unrealistic goals for yourself saying that you’re going to exercise X number of times a week. Simply exercise when the idea pops in your head. The quickest way to never reaching my exercise goals is to set up an unrealistic set of expectations for myself. I can say all I want that I’m going to go to the gym 2 to 3 times a week. The reality is, I should try for once a week. Leading up to that one time per week, I should set myself up for success by doing the at-home exercises. This will build up the motivation I need to get out of my house and do weights.

From schizophrenia lack of motivation to bodybuilder escape velocity

Have you heard of something called escape velocity? In a nutshell, it is how quickly an object needs to escape the gravitational forces of the Earth. Once escape velocity is reached, the object can reach an infinite distance away. The idea of doing weightless exercises is to get your motivation to the point of escape velocity. In this case, what we’re trying to escape is being stuck with a lack of motivation. With not being able to accomplish your goals.

When you do enough exercises at home, you can reach escape velocity from sitting at home. It will propel you to the gym. Once you’re lifting at the gym, you’ll be more motivated to go again. The more you go, the more discipline will set in. Once discipline sets in, it’s as if you have a Star Trek warp drive. You can travel anywhere in the universe. This is what works for me. I know it will work for you. So, get off that chair, drop and give me 20! Okay, okay, 10 will do. Or even 5. Just get moving!

When you don’t recognize your symptoms, this persistent state of suffering can feel normal. Your sense of normalcy is beyond substandard. If anyone else were in your schizophrenic shoes, their life would be turned upside down. They wouldn’t know what to do with themselves. It would be devastating to them. But, this is, and likely has been for some time, your everyday normal life.

With thinking like this, you’re more inclined not to get the support you need. This is something that I did for years. I refused to do group therapy, refused to go on disability. I pushed myself into jobs that were bad for my health. Refusing support made me persist in a mindset that I am just as capable as anyone else. Ultimately, this led to crashing and burning. To psychotic episodes, and to suffering that could have been avoided.

You need support, even if you don’t think you need it

This is why it is important to look at your life objectively and without judgment. To get support when you need it, even if you don’t think you need it. This includes applying for disability income supports from your provincial/state or federal government. The reality is that supports like this precisely for people with schizophrenia mental disorder. If you are diagnosed with schizophrenia, you are entitled to these supports. There is no shame in getting this support.

If you are feeling shame in getting these supports, think about it this way. Taxes pay for these supports. Have you ever had a job? You were taxed. You’re simply getting your money back. If you’ve never had a job, that’s fine, too. You can think of this financial support you’re receiving like an incubation. You are using this support while you develop the skills to effectively manage your schizophrenia. Once your mental disorder is effectively managed, you can then become a contributing member of society that pays taxes that in turn helps other people get the support they need. Now, who wouldn’t want that?

In this article by Alison Hayes, she outlines the social cost of stigma around social welfare. It can be painful to respond to questions like, “What do you do for a living?” You can be honest and tell the truth. Or, you can think of your income support as funding for an entrepreneurial venture. You’re using your supports to start your business as an artist, craftsperson, coder, or whatever hobby you’re into that can be considered a job.

Schizophrenia mental disorder is a disability, but not a mark of shame

As far as I’m concerned, claiming to be a professional while not employed is not lying. A long considered myself a professional writer even though it was a hobby for me. Today, I actively write articles published on Yahoo and The Mighty. On my clients’ sites via my web design business Objektiv Digital, I write words that make them money. They say, “fake it ’til you make it.” And in my case, it was completely true. There’s no shame in calling yourself a professional if you’re actively developing your skills that will eventually lead you to become a legitimate professional.

The reality is that you can take any of your limitations and give legitimate definitions of what they are and still sound normal. If you look at anything about your life objectively and without judgment, you are simply living life like anyone else. The only difference is that on a day-to-day basis, you are severely hindered by a disability. Would you judge someone in a wheelchair for having a hard time climbing stairs? I think not.

To me, the three key things that a scientist does is this:

• Observe
• Hypothesize and Experiment
• Research

Observe the facts

Very often, my schizophrenia can lead me to think and believe some very unbelievable things. When I observe the facts, however, those thoughts end up being at odds with reality. As an example, I have been suffering a delusion over the past couple of years that an old friend from high school living in another city has been stalking me. What brought this delusion to a terrifying climax was when he popped up in my contact recommendations on LinkedIn. I looked at his profile and found out he was living where I lived.

I immediately began to panic. Was my delusion true? Was this guy actually stalking me these last few years? I decided to take my own advice that I made in this YouTube video where I mention the value of being vulnerable and honest about symptoms with other people. In short, I decided to reach out to this high school friend and tell him about my delusion. Sure enough, we had a pleasant back-and-forth text message conversation where he revealed that he’s only been living where I live for the past 6 months and he has his fiancé as an alibi for that claim. I knew this was true because when I first called him, his fiancé answered the phone and also told me when they moved here.

Knowing the facts help differentiate delusion from reality

In that instance, I can observe the facts about my delusion that this guy is stalking me. The truth of the situation is that my delusional thoughts do not add up with the undeniable facts which I am presented. And, just to pile more facts on, I am an extremely boring and unremarkable person by most measure. It would be a waste of time for someone to watch me sit on the computer all day. All in all, I can use my scientific power of observation to know better if my delusions are actually delusions or not.

With your doctor, experiment with your schizophrenia treatment

There are multitudes of scientific papers and claims all over the internet that tout remedies and potential treatments for your schizophrenia. At the end of the day, your medication will do the majority of that work. However, most medication does not always take you to become 100% normal. To take you the rest of the way there, you’ll need to find additional tools in your tool belt for your schizophrenia treatment. Of course, any treatment you try should be in addition to taking your medication.

What you end up experimenting with is up to you. I have experimented with a lot of different things. The ones I have found best for me is a low-carbohydrate diet to reduce my positive symptoms, and weightlifting to reduce my negative symptoms. Others have found that megadosing the vitamins niacin and vitamin C. However, there is also science that cautions the use of this practice. This leads me to the next part of approaching your self-care like a scientist.

Research, read, and consult with your doctor before experimenting

If someone told you that drinking bleach cures your psychotic symptoms, would you believe them? I would hope that you would completely dismiss it. Yet, some claims can sound more believable, like sticking to a gluten free diet will reduce symptoms. As always, with any believable claim, I like to find research that backs this stuff up.

My go-to for finding evidence is PubMed, a government website that lets you easily search for scientific papers. You don’t have to read the whole paper. Generally, there’s enough information in the ‘Abstract’ and ‘Conclusion’ sections to give you an idea if something is true or not. The key with reading any of these studies is ensuring that their conclusions come from a double-blind experiment. If the conclusions aren’t based on double-blind experiments, it’s safe to assume that the conclusion is an anecdote and not necessarily worthy of taking too seriously.

That being said, if you want to try it for yourself, consult with your doctor. For most people, there’s no harm in changing your diet or taking a vitamin. So long as your doctor believes it will be safe for you to try, there’s no harm in making yourself a guinea pig. The worst that can happen is that it doesn’t work. Alternatively, the best that can happen is your life can be completely transformed for the better like weightlifting did for me.

One of the most powerful schizophrenia antipsychotic treatments I have found for negative symptoms is weight lifting. In the past, I have also talked about how a pragmatic low-carbohydrate diet is great for reducing symptoms naturally. In my experience, however, low-carbohydrate diets generally reduce positive symptoms, not negative symptoms. Over the years I received treatment from multiple psychiatrists. It seems to be a continual struggle for them to find ways to reduce my negative symptoms. I’m certain if any doctors treating psychosis are reading this, they’ve experienced the same challenges.

Here’s what this scientific paper had to say about negative symptoms in schizophrenia:

“…no pharmacologic treatment for negative symptoms has proven to have sufficient evidence to support a recommendation, indicating a significant unmet need for important treatment in this area.”

So, at this point, we know two things about negative symptoms in schizophrenia. One, negative symptoms are the most pervasive and debilitating symptoms in schizophrenia. Two, they are extremely difficult to treat, and there is a significant unmet need in treatment for negative symptoms.

Weight lifting as a schizophrenia antipsychotic transformed my life

My life completely transformed when I began to understand and see the benefits of weight lifting. I went from what I call a “no-life video gamer” into a physically fit web developer. Someone with an active social life and intimate relationship. Things that I previously assumed was never possible. Previously, I was content with working as a part-time grocer living with my parents and playing video games. In less than a year, I became a person with his dreams being fulfilled. A person making ambitious goals (and sometimes accomplished!). I established myself as a valuable member of the communities I engage in.

In my post about why I think schizophrenic men should be bodybuilders, I go into more detail about why I think bodybuilding is so good for us. Motivation deficiency is the biggest negative symptom that crippled me from accomplishing my goals (or pretty much anything). Motivation deficiency, as it relates to schizophrenia, may be known as avolition or lack of motivation. It truly is magical what weight lifting does to my brain.

With anything related to the brain, it can be extremely difficult to notice or measure when there is a change. For me, the evidence is undeniable. If I do something as small as 3 sets of deadlifts on a Sunday, I will be motivated and high functioning throughout the entire week. It would take at least 10 days before my motivation falters and I start to become stuck in a rut again. Whenever I feel like my daily life isn’t going in the direction I want it to, weight lifting is the easiest answer to my problems. And, most times, it works. weight lifting is the answer.

How you weight lift is up to you

Whether you get help from a personal trainer, use machines at the gym, do push ups at home, or anything in between is up to you. The only right answer is type of exercise that makes you motivated and ambitious again. In my experience, weight lifting created so much productivity and motivation, I thought I went into a weird permanent state of bipolar mania. My paranoid thoughts about being manic existed for two years. My heightened state of functioning felt like a superpower. To be honest, it still does feel like a superpower. Even compared to my counterparts who do not suffer from mental illness, I am seen as high-functioning. If you can start feeling like this, you will know the true power of weight lifting.

It may take some time, but you will eventually find this works for you. I personally didn’t not see the full benefits of weight lifting until I started doing larger weights. I found that the heavier weights that you lift, the more testosterone is produced. As mentioned in the blog post I linked earlier, testosterone production is the key ingredient to making all of this work. The heavier the weights, the better. For me, I find 200 to 250 pounds of deadlifts are enough for me. I am 6 ft. tall and 180 pounds. Once you get to heavier weights appropriate for your body’s size, superpowers await you. Good luck!

When suffering symptoms like being paranoid and delusional, schizophrenia can be a rather terrifying experience. In my experience, it feels like schizophrenia amplifies your fears in every waking moment of your life. Not only amplifies, but concocts new ones to help ruin your day. In my years of having this paranoia and these delusions, my best tool for managing them is confronting them head-on. To me, paranoia and delusions is fear knocking on my door. Instead of turning off the lights and hiding in the corner, I open the door and say, “yes, may I help you?”

If you’re not familiar with how one might experience delusions, check out this post where I talk about what it’s like to have them. In another post, I also give an example of how silly and mundane delusions can be. For me, the majority of my delusions are about fear. They are about someone or something trying to hurt me or is hurting me. It happens multiple times a day. Some days more than others. Fear knocking on the door.

It’s hard being fearless when facing delusional schizophrenia

In my experience, fear is like a confrontation happening in public. The confrontation escalates and someone pulls out a knife. Surely, you would immediately pull out your phone and call the police. Yet, studies have shown that we can succumb to the bystander effect and a violent event can come and go long before someone will take action. In my experience, this so easily happens with ourselves when facing paranoia and delusions. Whether literally or figuratively, we look away and pretend it’s not there.

For me, I always shifted my gaze and hope things would go away. Generally, the fear would eventually go away, but it could take hours, days, years, or even decades. Please name one person on this planet who has time for that! Not me! Yet, that’s how I lived. A perpetual victim under the bystander effect hypnosis. A slave to my delusions and paranoia. A slave to my fear.

Experiment with your fear

Then, one day, I did an experiment. At the time, I was doing a lot of meditation. I was finding that in certain mental states, my brain would undergo this mildly soothing buzzing in my upper spine and cerebellum. I noticed that I could feel fear in my spine as well. So, my experiment was this: What if I make myself even more scared? I wanted to feel what my spine would feel like if I was as afraid as I could possibly be.

The moment came when my usual delusional schizophrenia took over. There was something lurking in the shadows, stalking me. In this case, I had in my mind that a much creepier, real-life version of Minecraft’s enderman was stalking me. In Minecraft, if you look into their eyes, it is one of the most terrifying things that can happen in-game. I immediately knew what to do. I looked straight into what I thought were the eyes of the enderman. The first 2 seconds felt like an eternity. It felt exactly like my meditations — a surge of love and emotion. Then, after that 2 seconds were over, my delusion was replaced with reality. All that was left was a pedestrian crossing sign. Hah! I was nearly peeing myself because of a traffic sign.

I feel that it’s appropriate with this post to say a few things upfront. First and foremost, medication is the best treatment for psychosis. If you are not taking your medication, you’re doing it wrong. This post is about what I know as the best supplementary treatment for psychosis. What might that be, you ask? A low-carbohydrate diet.

As I’ve mentioned in my previous post, 4 Reasons Schizophrenic Men Should Be Bodybuilders, low-carbohydrate diets have multiple health benefits for psychosis that isn’t just about reducing symptoms. For all you skeptics, that post also provides links to scientific papers to back up my claims. Despite its benefits, it can be a completely useless remedy if you can’t stick to it long-term. That’s why, to me, the best treatment is a low-carb diet, not a no-carb, zero-carb, or ketogenic diet.

Low-carb, not no-carb

The reality of any diet is that it needs to be something that can be realistically adhered to for the rest of your life. I know from personal experience the futility of sticking to an activity that is heavily tied to willpower (a human trait that is fleeting at best).

I’ve gotta be completely honest here. I love carbs. Some buttered toast, a cookie, an unfiltered wheat ale. I can’t get enough of it. If I went on a zero carb diet, sure, it might be physically helping me. However, a huge part of me would die inside.

…but wait, what’s this? I hear a voice. Do you hear it, too?

“You’re just not taking your health seriously. You aren’t trying hard enough to manage your health.”

Oh look, it’s try-hard Tommy telling me I’m not good enough. You know what? Fuck you, Tommy. When it comes to mental health, having realistic expectations of yourself is just as necessary as sticking to a healthy diet. Are you really going to realistically cut out all carbohydrates from your diet? If you can, wonderful! Do it, and do it now. But for little carb-gobbling monsters like me, a heavy dose of pragmatism is needed.

Treatment for psychosis will always have pragmatism in its ingredients

Every day, we are presented with multiple forks in the road. Do I eat a salad with no croutons, or do I have that sandwich with the big, bready bun? Do I have sugar in my coffee, or just settle for cream? At the end of the day, if you’re saying “no” 80% of the time to those opportunities of having carb-heavy foods like wheat, sugar, corn, rice, and potatoes, you’re doing swimmingly. When you can say no 80% of the time, that 20% of ‘chip dinners’ and 2 pints with the boys isn’t a moment of weakness, it’s a conscious, healthy choice.

Being diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, you are endlessly suspicious of everyone and everything. Dog on the street? It’s going to bite me. Woman on the street? I bet she’s going to harass me. Man in a hoodie? He’s up to something. Man in a suit? Also up to something. I don’t like it. The suspicions never end. Living like this can make you quite cynical. Worse yet, it can make you hostile and even aggressive toward others. This is why it so so critical to practice kindness and patience. As a side note, I also employ a low-carbohydrate diet to reduce my psychotic symptoms, including paranoia.

I was in a group meeting with Les Postnikoff, a mindset mentor and business coach where he gave this bit of wisdom. He said (and I’m paraphrasing here), “we judge ourselves by our intentions, but judge others by their actions.” The idea is that if you look past someone’s actions, and instead judge them by their intentions, you’re more likely to treat them as a human.

As an example, someone who is against vaccines can no doubt cause harm to their children and their community. If we judge them by their actions, we see them as evil, selfish, and malicious. However, if you look into the intention behind the anti-vaccination movement, it is about protecting themselves and their children from (albeit false claims of) devastating side-effects. You can certainly blame them for not understanding what a verifiable, reputable fact is. You cannot, however, blame them for wanting to protect their children.

Patience begets patience

When you’re giving people the benefit of the doubt, they’re more likely to do the same for you. Picture this: you’re eyeing someone up and down, wondering what to make of them. You’re not very good at hiding it. It’s obvious. Now all of a sudden, they’re becoming suspicious of you. You’re acting erratic and now they’re wondering if you’re a threat to them. Now they’re going into defensive mode and your alarm bells are picking up on that. Confrontation is likely.

Every time this has happened, I decided to own up to it. I opened up in a moment of vulnerability and outright stated what was going on. I would say something like this:

“Hey man, I’m sorry if I’m acting weird. I’m diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and I’m having this delusion that you’re about to hurt me. I know that you’re not, but the belief has me scared, so if I’m acting weird, that’s why.”

Every single time, I was met with patience and understanding. A couple of times, it broke a lot of tension and we had a big laugh about it. It turned out to be a great story that we would both tell for years after the event.

A tip for the logically inclined

Let’s say, for argument sake, that you’re not being overly paranoid. Let’s say the person you are encountering truly does have malicious intentions. Paranoid schizophrenia aside, this person has had a bad day and you’re about to be on the receiving end of their wrath. Now, what happens if we extend some kindness and patience with them? What if we are the first person in weeks to show compassion and treat them like a human being? Barring extreme examples, I’d wager they would show some kindness and patience in return. Whether you’re paranoid or not, kindness and patience have their benefits.

When I was 16, I was diagnosed with prodromal schizophrenia. In some ways, it was a very frightening time. I knew I could no longer trust reality as I perceive it. I began to question everything that I was perceiving. What is real? What isn’t real? How do I tell the difference? As a natural progression from that questioning, I was forced to become analytical.

The better you become at analyzing and explaining what is real, the easier it is for you to identify what isn’t real. Picture this: a virus spreading all over the globe, a United States president inciting an insurrection, and images of a man wearing mittens being spammed all over the internet. The real world can be a pretty fucking bizarre place. But, when you dig deep enough, everything has a logical, fact-based explanation. Let’s say you start thinking aliens are invading Australia, for example. Then, you can’t find any verifiable, reputable sources to back up such an idea. It may be a good idea to check in on whether you may be having a delusion.

The real world is a scary place

As you may already know from this post, I have some undeniably bonkers ideas pop in my head. Those bonkers thoughts, however, are a drop in the bucket compared to the real things that have happened in this world that have been equally horrifying. As an example, I read a very official-looking news article that was reporting on a zombie virus spreading on the East Coast of the United States. After about an hour-long process of having a panic attack and then finally calming down, further research led me to find that I was on a parody news site like The Onion.

Even more difficult to grapple with are pieces of news that can’t be explained away with parody. Things like President Obama giving the green light on the assassination of a U.S. citizen, or President Trump assassinating an Iranian general that could have led to another war in the Middle East. Both frightening cases of abuse of executive power, and very real things that are hard to ignore.

When being analytical is not enough

With instances like the examples above, it can be hard not to go into full-on panic mode. The best you can do is say to yourself, “It’s not my problem.” The more you do it, the more it will help ease the fright. Realistically, the statement will almost always be true. It’s not your problem. Are you a US General? No? Then it’s not your problem. Are you involved in military activity in the Middle East? No? Not your problem. Are you politician managing affairs in the Middle East? No? Say it with me! Not. My. Problem.

If you’re having a hard time with schizophrenia symptoms, the easiest and most effective therapy for schizophrenia is, and for decades has been, taking medication prescribed by your doctor or psychiatrist. The Mayo Clinic, a reputable organization that I trust the most about medical facts, makes this statement. Taking them for the first time can be a frightening ordeal, but the benefits are undeniable. Over time, taking your meds will become second nature. Like brushing your teeth or making dinner.

You will NOT lose your creativity

One of the most disgusting myths I hear about taking medication is that you’ll lose your creativity. Pardon my language, but what a load of horse shit. This is simply not true. Sure, medications for mental illnesses commonly have sedation side effects. As a result, you may be less inclined to follow your creative pursuits because you are oversleeping. This can be counteracted by working with your psychiatrist to find a dosage that minimizes the sedation. Additionally, you can toy with your environment to reduce the likelihood of your sedation disrupting your sleep cycle (like I did as I describe in this post here).

Finding what works for you

The best therapy for schizophrenia is not the same for everyone

For me, the drug olanzapine is absolutely awful. I get angry every time I think about the drug, much less talk about it. This drug was not for me. But, don’t let that stop you from trying it yourself. I have met some people who have done incredibly successfully with it. That drug has saved their lives. For me, I felt like it ruined mine. The key lesson from this: If medication side effects are too disruptive to your life, do not hesitate to get your psychiatrist to have you try something else. There is an abundance of medications out there. The sooner you can find one that works, the sooner you can get closer to living a normal life.

Be cautious of side effects with long-term implications

For only a few months, I was using paliperidone as my therapy for schizophrenia. In just 2 to 3 months time, I found my jaw clenching excessively. To this day, I continue to have problems with my jaw from just that short period of time. Be cautious of side-effects, and ensure that you and your doctor are stopping regimens that could create long-term damage.

Another example of this is with medications that cause weight gain. Even people who are naturally skinny can gain excessive weight. If this weight gain cannot be controlled by diet and exercise, you may need to talk to your doctor about either reducing the dosage or switching to something else. For something like this, do not wait too long. Unmanaged weight gain very commonly leads to diabetes, a lifelong and life-altering illness.

To me, one of the most insidious symptoms of schizophrenia is the inability to recognize when you’re having symptoms. With depression, you’re sad, brooding, devoid of energy, barely able to get out of bed. These are all very obvious symptoms of depression. However, schizophrenia symptoms are large in number and can easily hide in plain sight. Especially during schizophrenia onset, it can be difficult for others to recognize. When it comes to recognizing your symptoms by yourself, it is even more difficult.

This is why being honest with yourself is so critical. The story of how I got diagnosed was because of being honest with myself. I was 16 years old and having thoughts of suicide. I was thinking about it every single day. The thoughts became suspect to me when I started thinking about why I wanted to kill myself. For once, being a pedantically logical person was useful for me. I tried and I tried to find reasons why I wanted to kill myself. Suicide is a very permanent thing, so I had better come up with some really good ones.

I couldn’t think of any. Not a single reason to kill myself. Sure, being a teenager sucks sometimes, but overall, I was a generally privileged and happy kid. I lived in a safe and caring home, I played my favorite video games all the time, I was doing well enough in school to keep the adults off my back, I had as many friends as I wanted. Life was pretty good. I realized I didn’t want to kill myself. Yet the thoughts of suicide continued. I decided to talk to a psychologist. That psychologist appointment led to a referral to a psychiatrist, and so began my journey from schizophrenia onset to living with and successfully managing my schizophrenia every day.

Honesty is not a one-time solution, it’s an everyday practice

The honesty with myself didn’t end there, however. It continues to this day. The reality is, being honest with yourself is the most powerful technique for identifying symptoms. When you’re able to identify symptoms, you’re able to devise ways of managing those symptoms and to recognize when those management skills need to be sprung into action.

The best book I ever read to help me become more honest with myself is called Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton. I generally thought of myself as an honest guy, and in general, I was. However, when I read this book, I realized that to others, yes, I was honest, but to myself, I lied way more than I ever thought I did. Better yet, when you’re honest with yourself, you’re better equipped to look at things – and yourself – more objectively and without judgment, something that I touched on in my previous post about managing your expectations.

P.S.

Here’s the poem that I mentioned in the video.

This post is for all you type-A personalities out there. The ones who were achieving, excelling, and overall kicking ass until you got diagnosed with schizophrenia. Of course, you can still kick ass, but let’s slow down for a second and figure out how to do that.

Effectively managing a chronic condition like schizophrenia isn’t a sprint. It’s a marathon of pacing yourself, taking care of yourself, and accepting your limitations. It can be incredibly difficult to do this. In fact, as I’m writing this, I’m battling my habit of relentless waking by writing this post instead of going to bed!

But, writing this post gives me joy, much like video games and making art does. The reality is, having schizophrenia for the rest of your life means reducing stress as much as possible. Studies have shown reducing stress results in better outcomes for schizophrenic people. This means reducing the expectations you and others put on you as much as possible. I want to make something perfectly clear: you have a disability – anyone with half a brain knows that, and it is not your responsibility to make others think you’re capable of taking care of anything but yourself (which is hard enough in the first place).

Let go of what people think of you

I lived with someone for a couple of years who didn’t understand what having a disability is like. It eventually got to a boiling part where they sent a venomous message detailing exactly what a piece of shit I was. I stumbled upon the message several years later, and it really pissed me off, because these days I am extremely high functioning and the person they were describing was not reflective of who I am today. Can you guess what my reaction was when I first read it?

Water off a duck’s back. I wasn’t phased one bit. In fact, I laughed and was tempted into coaxing them into saying more ableist garbage so that the other people living with me knew how off-base they were. Undeniably, most of what they said was objectively true. However, what they said was also an unrealistic expectation of what a schizophrenic person is capable of doing on a day-to-day basis. I knew that. They didn’t know that. Some people think the Earth is flat. Oh, well. Life goes on.

Sometimes living with chronic schizophrenia also means living with chronic stupidity! Hah! People can say extremely ignorant things. We can even say these stupid things to ourselves. But, if you can look at your life, your symptoms, your medication’s side effects with objectivity and without judgment, you’re one step closer to effectively conquering schizophrenia on a day-to-day basis.

So, you’ve just been diagnosed with schizophrenia. For some of you, you may be terrified and confused. For others, like me, you were relieved by finally knowing what you’ve been living through. One thing is for sure: you’re wondering what to do next. Don’t panic! I’ve been where you’re at right now, and guess what? Schizophrenia is an afterthought for me most days. I have a job that I love and am successful at, I live with my beloved and supportive partner and I support her as well, I have hobbies (Minecraft, anyone?), I stay in touch with my family (mostly teaching my niece and nephew naughty words so I can be the ‘cool’ uncle), and I live most days unimpeded by my psychotic symptoms.

Join me as I reveal my personal playbook for conquering schizophrenia

In this Diagnosis to Success series, I’m making YouTube videos that outline my playbook for conquering schizophrenia every single day. In these blogs, the videos’ sister content, I will go into more detail and include as many additional resources as I can think of. Each piece of content will give you actionable things you can do to make sure you stay healthy and avoid psychotic episodes as much as possible.

I’m not some snake oil salesman, by the way. I have lived with schizophrenia for 21 years, and 4 months from now marks the 10th anniversary of living 10 years without having a single psychotic episode. How did I manage to do that? By doing the things I outline in my videos and blogs. I don’t do all the things all at once, in fact, I often neglect to do many of the things I teach on any day-to-day. There is no silver bullet to slaying schizophrenia every day, but if you do enough of these things, living with schizophrenia and having a normal life or two things that can coexist.

You’re not alone!

There are lots of online communities, and they are full of amazingly supportive people who are living through the same schizophrenia symptoms you are. Check out Reddit (see /r/schizophrenia) or Facebook (see Schizophrenia Facebook Group).

Again, there’s no need to panic. Living with schizophrenia is like having an obnoxious family member. They’re not going anywhere, so you just have to manage the oddities and quirks as they come. They’re with you for life, so the best thing to do is find the best ways to live a harmonious life with them. In these videos and blogs, I’ve done the heavy lifting for you. I know the best ways to manage schizophrenia on a day-to-day basis and it starts with knowing that having it is not the end of the world. So, if you believe me, you’re already one step closer. I’ll see you in the next post (P.S. Find the next post by clicking here, it’s about managing expectations).